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Happy birthday

to whom it may concern
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I'm in a posh mindset at the moment.

I have recently lost all things to say here, the word busy doesn’t even begin to describe the hectic state of my well-being at the moment. I am writing thus, in another language, one that I am forced to use everyday, and perhaps would better express my feelings. This goes to myself, and those who can be bothered to make the effort of reading it. It is the likes of you, who I value greatly.

First thing that sits on my mind so often now, is the confusion that how a person, so determinedly wanting to be devoid of responsibilities, can end up with so many.

I have not the least ambition in power or position, much less wealth, I would ask only that enough to sustain a reasonable living, perhaps allowing myself to do daily groceries at Marks&Spencers. Harrods and Bond Street are for window-shopping, and I have no desire whatsoever to become one of the tight-lipped, needle-heeled, anorexic or otherwise hungover celebrities that walk through these empty streets, no matter how glittering their Dior or Prada looks on them.

Turn the corner and we come to Oxford Street, perhaps one of the most famed streets in the world, more lively, vibrant, yet somewhat lacking in class - Here we have Lillywhites, cheap sportswear that everyone buys in bundles but later chuck away the bag because it is embarrassing to be seen going around carrying them.

The things you wonder, when you are slap right in the middle of Central London. I am five-minutes away from Waterloo, and I can see the London Eye from my window. The Houses of Parliament also. If I squinted a little, I can read the time from the Big Ben. And the definite resonate of the Bell at every hour, even deep into the night.

Sometimes when emotions are fragile, I cannot help but be afraid. The Big Ben strikes just now, as if in accordance to my words.

While most people regard this year as the second year of undergraduate study, it is also the penultimate year. Most also agree university is the best years of youth. You either get totally wasted, a chance you won’t have again when you evolve into responsible adults, or you can be productive and go on to do great things, at the hidden expense of… let’s just say, the mainstream isn’t capable of great things.

It’s a big scary world out there, and I’m peeking over the windowsills. This alone is enough to make me feel damn frightened.

I have no work experience save the one-week compulsory attendance at a Chinese community; my only volunteering experience was with Stonewall - it may be the largest gay-rights advancement charity in the UK, but it’s not mainstream like Oxfam. I’m sorry, but I just don’t give a sh*t about Oxfam, ChristianAid, PETA, NCPCA, or GreenPeace. By staring at the blank document that sits forever under the name My CV, I cannot help but feel an overwhelming sense of defeat. There isn’t one part of me that I’d proudly present to the outside world and say confidently, “none of you can do this but me”.

The only achievement I’ve been praised so often on is my ability to wield two languages, and that also, by chance, is the only achievement which I do not take pride in myself. So I am bilingual, and can speak English perhaps better than most Chinese ever will. So I don’t have a typical Chinese accent, instead sound like a British-born, or even close to a Royal. What difference does it make? One can just as easily get directions by asking, “Big Ben, where to?”, rather than initiating a proper British enquiry, “Excuse me, sorry to interrupt but could you possibly tell me which is the best way to the Houses of Parliament?”

I smile politely every time someone tells me how they admire my English. But how can one feel proud of something they did not willingly achieve? I was dropped in by the deep end, forced, pushed, made to speak the language. So that I will understand when I’m being insulted with a smile, so that I can tell them Hong Kong is not a part of Japan. I learnt English en-route, needing no textbooks or oral teachers, only the fierce determination to prove to them that I was not stupid. I have now done exactly that, yet feel otherwise.

The friend, my first friend at Camden, the girl who carefully explained to me the word ‘fart’, now relies on me for any word with more than four syllables. When group writing a poster, the job to pen the sentences so that they will be succinct and accurate, is down to me. The surprise on my professors’ face when they discover I only arrived in London seven years ago not knowing a word. The bewilderment they express when I start talking entirely if not more fluidly in Mandarin or the dialect, in between English words.

Moments such as these I treasure, but from a resentful heart. Not truly an achievement in the purest sense, but a payback, an ‘in-your-face’ remark to all the snide laughter and malevolent comments I have received in the early years. Yet the feeling of hallowness will never go away, because I have lost contact with all those who have looked down upon me, and my improvement is almost certainly lost on them.

It both annoys and pains me to think that while I involuntarily care so much for their petty words and deeds, they remain oblivious of it all their life.

Every single one of my rants come back to the same topic, I know, I bore myself. Yet I can’t help but wonder when I can truly let go, of the self-pity and self-pride that are both so extreme they are like venom, like nightmares, so vividly that they return to me like a haunting ghost.

The time for carefree youth is long since gone. Troubled adolescence kicks in perhaps later than it should have. One become more daring, less limited to imagination. I have already done things that pushes my usual self-limits, and the consequences, if there ever shall be a consequence, remains to be seen.

Hence I conclude, perhaps without the remotest idea what I just wrote in the past one-thousand words. Occasionally there is no one better to talk to but yourself.

这个世界……

我觉得相当神奇,我告诉了服务商不要续我的空间和域名,服务商答应了,银行付款的合同也中止了,那么原本21日该过期的空间域名为何到了现在还能访问?这是为啥?

Questions with Possibly No Right Answers

看过来,此为大众调查

如果有合适的服务器,我是否应该重新注册域名&搬移论坛?

1. 很可能不知何时又被河蟹
2. 由于现在服务器的FTP问题,很可能论坛大部分资料会流失(可能将恢复到一年前)

3. 继续终夏?抑或重新开始?(很可能终夏原域名还不能马上重新注册……)

如果让其流逝,那么……
我怎么退大家捐的款?(……)

欢迎热烈或不热烈的讨论,无论结果如何我将会在十月下旬开始着手处理这件事情。

晴空和终夏所经历的,只能说是造化弄人,好吧,事到如今,我想我们需要的是能够继续的支持,那么,愿意举手说“我在这里”的朋友,哪怕不一定保证一直,只要现在你愿意,并在短期内会继续愿意支持,请你在本篇日志后留言。
这个要求或许突兀,或许不着边际,或许对于一直潜水tk的你并不适合,但是在这样的时候我真的很想知道。到底有谁会一直在这里。到底有谁可以让我们大声说“我们”一起。

vv说(时)事

Hello and good evening, this is vv news, reporting live from London.
雷曼银行宣告破产,伦敦股市接连两天暴跌,金融城内五千工作立时打了水漂,在雨中亦不显得狼狈的英国人终于沉不住气了,牛津街上突然冒出很多大喊“世界末日!”的大胡子怪叔叔(……),报纸上小心翼翼地建议众人转移各自银行里的资金,超过35,000英镑的存款若是银行倒闭那么法律也保护不了你了,什么,政府?民主国家的政府是不管这个的,哈哈哈哈哈哈。
侯少爷要哭了,我早说过这年头学金融没出路,等咱们这帮人毕业了学金融经济的海归多得可以用牛车拉,何必再前仆后继。诶,飞蛾扑火。
与此同时倒闭的还有一家航空公司,XL,导致两万多英国人在海外被滞留无法回国,维珍BA紧急出动飞机将他们运回,报纸上称,这是和平时期规模最大的救济行动。
政治方面,布朗的民主支持率跟着室外温度和股市接连急剧下跌,危险挺过两次重新选举的呼声,终于撑不住,摇摇欲坠,工党在国会里的岌岌可危,发怒的群众高呼“布朗毁了英国经济!”至于后续发展让我们拭目以待,说真的,再糟糕他糟糕不过丢脸的伦敦市长。(伦敦市长是糟糕的平方的在野保守党)
民生方面,超市里米价再次暴涨,中国城里200g大米卖到人民币30多元,英国的黄瓜开始半根半根卖了,我怀疑我们在闹黄瓜荒。
社会治安,伯明翰又有两个人被杀了,纽卡斯尔的两中国学生入室被杀案目前依旧毫无头绪,一男一女各被捅了两百多刀,附近的中国学生纷纷搬出逃亡,冬天临近了,天得早了,大使馆发表红字警告中国学生在公共场所注意安全以防最近多发的绑架,住在1楼的同学请注意了,持枪入室抢劫最近多发,出门的时候女生请在包里带好防狼物品,……
至于我为什么要说这些……

额滴神哪怎么每次回英国都觉得这国家越来越乱了啊!!!

我是在伦敦!伦敦!不是在格拉斯哥!伦敦还要举办奥运会的啊!!(有关系么)

个人事务也一团糟……
搬家的时候从北伦敦拖了37个箱包到南伦敦,地铁17站,幸亏有绅士帮忙,否则我和娘的脊椎就流在那世界最深的地铁往上爬的台阶上了,两天内折返多趟,东西多,整理慢,目前依旧是IP,一脚踩到哪都可能是莫名其妙的尚未归类的东西
合租,四个人一起用一个非常小的冰箱,生食熟食不分,实在是怕食物交叉感染,遂决定自己再买一个小冰箱,跑遍伦敦只找到海尔的,太好了,我在国外支持国货,比国内贵了十倍的国货,这也就算了,为什么,为什么,就这破小冰箱跑遍伦敦居然都是无货的状态???是谁说没有在伦敦买不到的东西的!???
疯了……
合租的其他三人,一个是英国同学,一个是山西姑娘,都还OK,最奇异的是住我对门的男孩,神龙见头不见尾,每天幽灵般早上6点出门,晚上10点边打电话边上楼地回来,在家不吃不喝就是睡,毫无存在感,太奇怪了……
想睡。超级想睡。每天靠吃洋参撑着的劳累程度,请想象。
找工作,实习,哪怕志愿者也好,写CV,找手机包月,来回跑,真正脚打后脑勺,到底有什么工作是我这样的人能做的?在集市里卖糖果??打字员??住在别人家里的管家!?
在国外别的都能克服。没关系这一点硬碰硬,我们的起点就是零。再现实一点,由于是外国人,尤其中国人,起点简直他妈是负。这很不公平。然英国人最讲究公平。所以我疯癫得理直气壮。

至于终夏,请抬头看大红字。
我得等十月中下旬才能得空,完全之前没办法处理,请各位不要以为我是携款卷逃了……

生活让人茫然不知所措……时差让人所错不知茫然!

睡觉去,以我现在的清醒状态和智商什么事都干不了。

Back to London

从很久以前这里就脱离了ACG和萌萌腐腐败坏的正常火星轨道啦(哪里正常了),为此我一度有关bo或是搬家的念头,然始终舍不得这几年来自己的话痨,那么再次声明哦,此bo以讲日常杂事鸡毛蒜皮英式唠叨反讽半打子幽默一肚子牢骚为主,欢迎对本人有兴趣的朋友观赏评论调戏说笑,若您是为了同人动漫宅萌腐而来的,抱歉了,对不起您tk的热情,这儿恐怕没啥是您感兴趣的。
公告过后我觉得理直气壮多了……省得日日觉得自己不够萌,愧对大众……

每当对自己失去信心,便有习惯去翻很久前写过的日志。亦舒姐姐奶奶说得好,当年让我们辗转反侧的烦恼不过如此。不过如此。

下午去上海,明早的飞机。
听说伦敦今夏浸满雨水,将会迎来干爽的秋季。

大河蟹爬呀爬

终夏所在国外服务器终于也被河蟹掉了,在一周年的前几天
那么看来是不能用在一个服务器上续域名了。
然而再找服务器又是那么艰难的一件事。谁知道什么时候又会被河蟹掉呢。

怎么办吧……

Re: re:

只要是无关的人,最好不要进来看,看过了也不要冒然发言。除非其中提到你,或是我和你提起过这件事情。否则我只是在这里做另一次的昭告天下。只是性质意义不同。

...続きを読む

离别感伤

8月29日 若木 北京
9月4日 薛哥 哈尔滨
9月6日 皮皮 杭州

留我一个,好寂寞。

看别人挥手说再见时,一定不能再注视他们离去的背影。会特别难过。特别啊。

驻守宁波至11或12日,13日飞返伦敦。

借用若木的一句话,从此天各一方,路远日长,好自珍重。

等来年,红军再会师!

宇宙中心膨胀

四叶草中的守望者

vv

Author:vv
We pile up love and memories and join two lives and run together

永恒的爱是白。
除此之外,这几年来,似乎别无其他。
又像是容易爬墙的人,也有个后宫,但骨子里很念旧,一旦喜欢上,或是喜欢过,那就难以忘记。
一直自私地想绑在身边永远不要成为过去式的是aa,若木,和云。
另外,我想我也是喜欢你的。至少在你看着我的这一刻。

指路牌上的文字

 

轻描淡写的日子→废言/流水账
全民性格大普查→问卷
书页里的绿脉签→同人/文章
梦的边境线→照片/PS图
东倒西歪的储藏柜→资源/值得珍藏的东西

踩地毯出入平安


爱和人品的证明

  
  
  
 
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What's in the Box?


上記広告は1ヶ月以上更新のないブログに表示されています。新しい記事を書くことで広告を消せます。